DUEL OF THE FATES

[Mister Stewart]

TIME: TIME HAS NO MEANING OR RELEVANCE
LOCATION: STEWART'S SLICK MAGICAL BATCAVE
WEATHER: CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS
WARNINGS: NO CHEEZBURGR
CHARACTERS: CHARLOTTE JACOBS AND CIGARETTE BOI (CLOSED FOR YOUR SANITY)

He had it all planned out. He had left a note on Charlotte's pillow that morning, along with the TIN O' SALMON (tm) and a hotel room mint he had stolen from another room. (HE HAD KILLED THE OCCUPANT. IT WAS THAT BLONDE GUY WHO ALWAYS DRINKS AT THE DINER AND NEVER ACTUALLY GETS THE BEER TO HIS LIPS, NO ONE CARES)

My Archnemesis -

I hate you and I want you to die.

I've got the old bastard and I've given Jekyll some Nyquil.

Party time.

Love,
Sincerely,
WUTWUT,
Up Yours,
Hyde

Now the mansion loomed above like something loom-y, rooftops sihouetted in the cloudy late afternoon sky. It was waiting.

WAITINNNNNG.

[Charlotte Jacobs]

Charlotte opened her hotel room door and slammed it behind her. It had taken her a hell of a time to get to her room. The Greenvale sheriff’s department was swarming the halls. Something about someone being murdered in one of the room, blah, blah, blah she didn’t care. It was TEA TIME!

The TIN O' SALMON (tm), hotel mint and singed note on her pillow put a crimp in her plans for TEA TIME, though. She read the note (it was a short fucking note, didn’t take that much time). Afterwards she threw the window to her room wide open, shaking her fist at the sky.

“DAMN YOU HYDE!!” she paused. “AND YOUR TIN O' SALMON (tm)!”

With that, Charlotte pulled a pan pipe from her pocket, and played a complex little tune (OKAY, IT WAS TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR; SHE ONLY KNOWS ONE SONG ON THE PAN PIPE, DAMN IT). On the pan pipe, in tiny little caps it says ”In case of Arch-nemesis, play tune”. In three to five minutes, something appeared in the sky. As it came closer, it was revealed to be a HORSEY!BIRD. With WINGS, because that’s what a HORSEY!BIRD has. Not just your regular, garden-variety HORSEY!BIRD, either. NO, this one was a brilliant shade of fuchsia. Almost blinding in its fushia-ness.

Her ride having arrived, she leapt from the window and landed upon its back.

“To the SLICK MAGICAL BATCAVE slash ROCKET MANSION!” she cried. The HORSEY!BIRD rolled its eyes.

“All right, all right,” it griped, “Hold your fucking horses.”

“I am. You’re it,” Charlotte retorted. “Now get your ass in gear.”


The HORSEY!BIRD did, and soon they arrived at the ROCKET MANSION. Throwing the TIN O' SALMON (tm) like a Frisbee, she shattered the largest window and they flew through like big damn heroes.

[Mister Stewart]

THE MUTHAFUCKIN' MANSION WAS FLYING, BITCHES. ON ROCKETS. ROCKET MANSION. Mister Stewart had DESIGNED IT to go to space if the worst happened so that no one would ever figure out the secret of the National Treasure - but the drive had been initiated. Something was wrong. His life was in PERIL.

The largest window smashed open into the piano room somehow - never mind that the largest window went into that room that looked over the waterfalls, MISTER STEWART IS THINKING WITH PORTALS - but there was no Mikey to press the keys on the piano to make the room spin!

No Michael.

But there was ROBOT!MICHAEL!

Robot!Michael turned around on his servos, whirring and clicking and scanning the horsey!bird and Charlotte with his lazer eye beams.

"<INSERT INSTRUCTIONS HERE> <INSERT SUBPAR RHYME HERE>"

Robot!Michael blew up the piano with a lazer and the room spun around like a salad spinner before stopping. Robot!Michael pointed to the door. "THROUGH THAT DOOR IS WHO YOU SEEK, HE'S REALLY MEAN <INSERT WORD THAT RHYMES WITH SEEK>"

The door opened and there was DARK behind it!

[Charlotte Jacobs]

“You know, HORSEY!BIRD,” Charlotte said conversationally (she really ought to name it. Or ask if it HAS a name), “Mister Stewart gets into a lot of fucking trouble for a man in a wheelchair.” Maybe it was the portals. Give a man access to portals and he gets into all sorts of mischief...

“Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth,” it replied.

“Also,” she added, as ROBOT!Michael scanned them with his laser beam eyes, “ROBOT!Michael is seriously fucking creepy.”

“Do you think he’s built OTHER ROBOT!things?” the HORSEYBIRD asked. They shuddered in unison.

She grumbled under her breath (‘grumblegrumble stupid ROCKET MANSION grumblegrumble creepy ass robot grumblegrumble stupid Arch-nemesis interrupting my TEA TIME’) as ROBOT!MICHAEL blew up the piano. Didn’t even phase her. Shit blew up around her all the damn time. She and her HORSEY!BIRD went through the door into the DARK that lay behind it. HORSEY!BIRDs can see in the dark you see. As for Charlotte, well, her librarian glasses had a night vision mode. As well as infrared, x-ray, and the ability to record video. They also had Transitions lenses.

[Mister Stewart]

Robot!Michael was upset by Charlotte and horsey!bird calling her creepy. He would be hitting the oil hard tonight.

The DARK room revealed itself to be A PUZZLE. Mister Stewart loved his puzzles. So very very much. He had a puzzle every day with breakfast. In his feeding tube. Just...blended right in. Michael had worked out a way to do it and BOY WAS IT EVER DELICIOUS. FULL OF PUZZLE GOODNESS. He was an addict, it was true. Goddamn Umbrella corporation started him on that dark path when they asked him to design Arklay Mansion. But I digress.

In the room there was a table, and on the table there was A BLOCK OF WOOD.

Next to the block of wood there was a NAIL

AND A HAMMER.

And next to the table was Professor Layton, standing there and staring at the two guests expectantly.

[Charlotte Jacobs]

Charlotte looked from the HAMMER... to the NAIL... to the BLOCK OF WOOD... then her eyes fell on Professor Layton. Was he the one that had started Mister Stewart on his addiction of puzzles, hookers and blow? Was he? He must be. He was the only culprit she could see.

She glanced down at her HORSEY!BIRD.

“Are you pondering what I’m pondering?” The HORSEY!BIRD raised its eyebrow at her in that way that only HORSEY!BIRDs can (by which I mean a very peculiar way seeing as how they don’t actually have any EYEBROWS).

Five minutes later Charlotte and the HORSEY!BIRD were moving forward into the DARK as she flipped the HAMMER nonchalantly in one hand. Behind them they left a BLOCK OF WOOD with a hole the size a NAIL would make... and on the floor laid Professor Layton, the NAIL sticking out of his forehead, dead as... a very very dead thing. The deadest of thing, in fact.

“Have I mentioned how much I hate puzzles?” she asked.

“Nope!” replied the HORSEY!BIRD cheerfully.

“Well, I hate ‘em. Really fucking hate ‘em.”

“Me too.”

[Mister Stewart]

Well TOO BAD THEY HATED PUZZLES SO MUCH because Smoking Man was being a bitch. The table flipped over to reveal a GAME OF CONNECT FOUR and some SWEDISH FISH. There was also a tiny robotic crab, who played the first move in the game of CONNECT FOUR and then ate a candy.

REALLY MOST OF MISTER STEWART'S PUZZLES WERE JUST DUMB BUT THIS WAS PRETTY DIABOLICAL.

At least Smoking Man thought it was.

Apparently.

Maybe.

[Charlotte Jacobs]

Charlotte stared at the GAME OF CONNECT FOUR and SWEDISH FISH. Then she cursed, loudly and in as many different languages as she knew. Which was a lot. I mean, DAMN. A sailor had nothing on her. Then she saw the tiny robotic crab... and its cuteness damn near killed her. Death by cuteness... that would have been a shitty way to go. Death by cuteness on a HORSEY!BIRD. That would just be sad.

She returned her attention to the ridiculously silly puzzle. Apparently Mister Stewart had been seriously distracted by the hookers and blow when putting together this particular puzzle. REALLY? A GAME OF CONNECT FOUR???

Charlotte picked up the tiny robotic crab and put it in her pocket (she was going to name him Hank). She grabbed a handful of SWEDISH FISH and began snacking (she dropped a few in her pocket for Hank, too) as she gleefully smashed the GAME OF CONNECT FOUR with her newly gained HAMMER (with a slightly mad grin upon her face).

“You have to have something better than this, you sorry excuse for an Arch-nemesis!” she hollered aloud in Hyde’s general direction, brandishing her HAMMER in the air. “I mean... really? A GAME OF CONNECT FOUR?? I did enjoy the SWEDISH FISH, though.”

She noticed her HORSEY!BIRD was pouting.

“What’s with the fucking pouty!lip,” Charlotte asked. The HORSEY!BIRD sighed.

“I... kindofliketheGAMECONNECTFOUR,” it mumbled unintelligibly . She flicked his ear, and the HORSEY!BIRD huffed irritably.

“What was that?”

“I KIND OF LIKE THE GAME CONNECT FOUR, okay?” it snapped. She stared at it. And kept staring. For a very... very... VERY long moment.

“Seriously?” she asked.

“Yeah...” it replied.

It was then that she started laughing at the HORSEY!BIRD.

“We have GOT to introduce you to some new games.”